"No, wait! The list says we have to take a picture of the whole person with the red shoes!"

Our next bar:

which turned out to be not so lucky. Our next stop was "Shot Heaven." They were half right; I'll let you guess which half:

Two, two, two pics in one! The blue shot from our list, plus our mandatory shot per bar:

When I was outside snapping the picture of the bar sign, this gentleman was inside freaking out that we were taking his picture. Never mind that I had the camera in the exact opposite direction of him. My brother-in-law had to do some fast talking to convince him we weren't the FBI, or the ATF, or the BBC. But once he got a load of my sister, he took a shine to her and got in her personal space, and even decided to help us out with the next item on our list,

a person on the bar. He threw the crotch shot in for free. I started to take the picture while he was just sitting there but he stopped me and spread his legs. And we're all glad he did.

Next stop? The Piramida, of course! St. Louis's friendliest Bosnian bar!

"I can't figure my camera out. Let me just--"

"--oh. I think I took a picture of a brick wall."

One more item off the list, the flaming shot (Bacardi 151 for those of you keeping score at home):

Me and the Bacardi 151, approximately 5.7 seconds before I set the shot on the bar as calmly as I could and ran the fuck outside to vomit.

In my incapacitated state, Lisa had to be the camera-wrangler for our next item, someone standing on his/her head. "Okay, go ahead!"

"Wait! Aaaand... now!"

"Fuck! Can you do it again? I don't know how to work this thing!"

"Beautiful."

By now, as you can imagine, we all needed a:

So did this gentleman, engaged as he had been in professional basketball circa 1987. He gave us our next item, non-Converse high tops:

Orange shot? More like yellow, but that's orange juice. Close enough.

We had to talk my sister Kathy into taking the shot, since it didn't coordinate with her carefully-matched eyeshadow/earring/blouse combo:

Although we appreciate their efforts, these ladies gave us what can only be classified as the least-hot girl-on-girl action ever. Any time someone says, in her best cigarette voice, "All right, Dina, come around the bar and kiss me. But no tongue!" you know that no porno is getting filmed that night.

Cowboy Bob's, with a ... sailor theme? Apparently Cowboy Bob wasn't the cowboy he thought he was.

But he sure does have a big fish!

"I want a Disney tattoo, but do it as badly as possible!"

"Oh, you're taking a picture of me?"

The Tin Can! Where the walls are lined with... oh go on, you guess! I don't want to spoil the surprise!

Would you sell your sexuality for $3.75? These gentlemen did.

"Will you guys kiss each other?"

"Sure, for a drink."

"Okay, what do you drink?"

"We want one Budweiser in a bottle, and one PBR in a can."

"PBR in a can?"

"PBR in a can."

That $3.75 includes tip.

Lisa, taking one of her few shots of the night. Cheapass or pansyass: What kind of ass does my sister have? You make the call!

The tower is now open. Rapunzel, you're free to go.

This Guinness neon gives us our foreign beer neon sign for the evening.

And this shot of Bacardi Coco (mixed with a glass, some ice, and a cardboard coaster) gives me my second shot of rum for the evening, and last shot of rum ever.

Our unsung hero for the evening, our DD Mike, my brother-in-law, knew of an inventive place to find a sombero,

not to mention the world's biggest shot of Cuervo:

Yarrrgh matey, let's be goin' to Rock Island and flirtin' our way out of the cover!

Yarrrgh, once ye pass through these doors it's 1988, and ye can find all the bad hair ye be needin'. Permed hair with bangs? Check:

Look! It be the most polite shot on the high seas! Check out the pinkie dying to stick out! Make 'er walk the plank!

Mall bangs? Yarrrgh! Close enough for ye government work!

That be orange lipstick on them there thin chicken lips!

Compiling this, I just realized that we forgot to take a picture of the sign at this biker bar. No matter, at this point we were fucked anyway, even though we didn't know it. This was supposed to be a Looney Tunes tattoo, but it's Woody Woodpecker. There was much contention in the van over that.

Nancy took the shot here, even though she and Lisa were the only ones to actually go in. What did we decide on the status of Lisa's ass?

Back to Lemmons, to greet the winners. Kudos to the team from Accounting.

9:47 PM - 12 September 2005

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