lobsterchick's Diaryland Diary



NOTE: This entry is in no way intended to trivialize the experience of anyone who has had, or does have, an eating disorder. I've never been one of those girls who's raised an eyebrow at Tracey Gold and said, "I wish I was anorexic," and I don't aim to start now.

I have found the answer to my weight problems/food issues (they're so interconnected, they have to be slashified).

Three weeks ago I started taking 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL, and as is my wont, I read aloud to my fascinated coworkers, the majority of whom are (whether they need to be or not) are not familiar with the land of anti-depressant drugs. They were amazed when I pulled the tiny wad of paper out of the box of sample drugs, only to commence unfolding it. And unfolding it. And unfolding it. Until it was the size of a king size Shabby Chic Lavender Strip Flat Sheet, available at Target with the fitted sheet for $59.49. "What is that?" asked someone who had just walked up.

"A map of my brain," I replied. "It's very big."

I then enchanted the girls with tales of hair loss, hair growth, fatigue, nausea, runny nose, dry nose, constipation, diarrhea, etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. But then I got to an intriguing side effect: Anorexia.

I'd never seen that before in an anti-depressant side effect list, but it kind of made sense. Wellbutrin is often prescribed for smoking cessation, and it seems like overeating and smoking probably come from the same family of addictions. But anorexia?

You may only be familiar with the anorexia that most people have, the body-issue-mental-hell-I-can-never-be-skinny-enough anorexia. But technically, anorexia nervosa, in all its Latin glory, is nervous loss of appetite. So, if that's all I'm going to have, I'll take it. I even crossed my fingers for it, I'm embarrassed to say.

And I think I might have it, or some variant of it. My loss of appetite isn't necessarily nervous in nature (though, technically, I'm sure, it comes from my nervous system), but suddenly, it's effortless to make the right choices. I crave fresh vegetables and low sodium foods. You know how magazines like Cosmo are always telling you "indulge your cravings, just don't go crazy!"? Like, if you're on your period and you're craving salt, get the small bag of fries!

Girl, please. You don't get to be a fat girl that way, and God knows I'm not skinny.

But today, the first day of my period, I was craving French fries more than I can even express. I went to Burger King and, with my salad (spare me the details about the fat content in the salads -- It's still better than a Whopper, and it still has nutrients from the vegetables), I got a bag of fries.

And it was enough.

And I've lost ten pounds in the last two weeks, and I'm always a water drinker anyway so it wasn't water weight. It was real weight.

And I will embrace this weight loss, no matter if it's the anorexia promised me by the map of my brain, or just a happy side effect.

I will not look this gift horse in the mouth and steal its Snickers bar.

12:38 PM - 24 May 2005


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