lobsterchick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What I Wish Would Happen [Okay, apparently I need to add this: THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. IT IS PURELY FANTASY.] Tanya Jacobson made it to the audition round with the judges. They said she had a pure, sweet voice, and a clean singing style free of the extraneous vibrato that plagues so many American Idol contestants. They said they loved her style, and that she had a classic beauty without being cookie-cutter. She moved on to "Hollywood." In the first Hollywood round, she busted onto the stage and brought the judges to their knees. Simon pretty much guaranteed her place in the top ten by telling her that if Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, and Clay Aiken had found themselves in a drunken threesome one night in a hotel room while on tour, she would most certainly be the product of that unholy union, if not in looks (thank God!) but in voice. Randy just wept openly. When Tanya had to write her own song and sing it to the judges, Paula begged her for the scraps of paper she had written her discarded lyrics on, in order to revive her own dead career. Based on what she had actually shown the judges, they knew that even her reject lyrics would be worthy of a chorus of angels. Then came the round where the contestants had to align themselves with two or three others, to create a convincing group sing. Harmony came into play for the first time, as well as teamwork and at least a few simple dance moves. Could our golden girl make it through? Well, she hit a speed bump. Two of her groupmates, ShaWanda Durbin and Emalee DuCoin, got completely trashed and decided to go for a swim in the hotel pool. Unfortunately for Emalee, who dove in headfirst (and who, in fact, had stumbled right past the sign stating "POOL CLOSED"), the pool had been drained for cleaning, and she busted her head open. Ambulances were called and she was rushed away, and you'll all be glad to know that she's okay now. ShaWanda sobered up right quick and went to bed, which is where Tanya's other groupmate, Denyiecse Torvald, was the whole time. Frustrated, Tanya practiced on her own in the hotel lobby, making up simple moves that she could teach her remaining teammates before they went onstage in the morning. Finally, at six a.m., she hung up her practicing hat and began to get ready for the audition. Unfortunately for Tanya, in some mystical turn of events worth of an episode of Twilight Zone, Denyiecse and ShaWanda had had identical dreams featuring elaborate dance steps and harmonies that charmed the birds down from the trees. While the two girls glided through their performance like seasoned veterans who had done the song millions of times before, Tanya was left to stumble around the stage with stilted arm movements and hum along with forgotten lyrics. The judges sat, open-mouthed and unsure what to think of the spectacle that had unfolded before them. "Dude," Randy said, "Did you go out drinking last night?" "I'm sorry, honey," Paula said, "it's evident that you spent no time at all practicing with your group." Simon could say nothing, just "Thank you," accompanied by a dismissive hand wave. During her solo sing, Tanya was unable to redeem herself with the judges. She pulled out every vocal trick she knew, even the ones her voice coach had warned her against, just because she knew the judges ate them up with a spoon. This time, though, they were having none of it. She had misstepped earlier and was not able to pull herself out of the hole. When the time came for the remaining contestants to gather in rooms to await their fate, an irritating blond girl tried to cheer the obviously resigned masses with her proclamation that she, herself, had been great, and therefore they should cheer up because they were in a room with her! They weren't going home! But they were. Tanya put on a brave smile and talked to the camera that was thrust in her face. "That's show business," she said through the tears that threatened to fall. "Sometimes it doesn't work out like you think it should. It's okay, though. I'll try again next year." And so, Tanya walked away with her dignity still intact, and provided the judges forget her disastrous group audition, she will be back next year to make them wonder why they had let her go in the first place, and to smile forgivingly when once again, they send her on to the next round. 10:47 AM - 05 February 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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